A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
“Why are you crying?” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
Mother asks little Edward, “What would you like for Christmas?”
Little Eddie says, “I’d like a baby brother.”
Mother smiles at him, kisses him on the cheek and says, “I’m afraid there aren’t enough shopping days left.”
On Christmas morning a Police Officer on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a child on his shiny new bike.
The officer says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
The child says, “Yeah.”
The officer says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.”
The officer then proceeds to issue the kid a £20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The child takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
Humouring the child, the officer says, “Yeah, he sure did.”
The child says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse’s brain instead of on his back.”
A little boy is told by his mother that he has been very bad this year. Thus, he would probably not get anything for Christmas.
“What? Nothing for Christmas?” cried the little boy.
“Well,” said mum, “maybe if you write a letter to baby Jesus and tell him how sorry you are, Santa will bring you some presents.”
The little boy returned to his room and began his letter. With each attempt at writing he would first apologise and then promise to be good for a certain amount of time. Each letter he crumpled-up, and then started again, making the “be good” time shorter with each letter.
Just as he was about to give up in frustration, he was suddenly struck by a bolt of inspiration! Running to the living room he carefully removed the little Mother Mary figure from the family’s manger scene, and then he carefully wrapped it in a sock, placing it in his top drawer. Returning to his desk, he took out a clean piece of paper and began to write:
“Dear Baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your Mother again…”
One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out of the church. Just before reaching the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation: “Pray for me! Pray for me!”
A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, A school teacher, Miss Merc, asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively. “I sure did, Miss Merc,” one little girl replied. “I PRAYED FOR MORE SNOW.”
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade each of them to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael. He’s a doctor.’” A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher. She’s dead!”
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked “What are you doing with that dog?” One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old neighbourhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.” Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.” There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, “All right, give him the dog.”
Nine year old Joe, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. “Well, Mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie – talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.” “Now, Joe, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked. “Well, no, Mum. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”
Andrew was watching his father, a Vicar, write a sermon for the Christmas service.
“How do you know what to say?” Andrew asked. “Why, God tells me,” the father replied. “Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”